Little Tony was sitting on a park bench
on one candy bar after another. After the 6th
bar, a man on the bench across from him said,
"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't
good for you.
It will give you acne, rot your teeth,
and make you fat."
Little Tony replied, "My grandfather lived to
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6
bars at a time?"
Little Tony answered, "No, he minded his
-- GUNS AND DOPE PARTY POSITION
"If it's guns
that cause crime, then it must be spoons
that cause Rosie to be
fat and stupid."
"People that are really weird
can get into sensitive positions
and have a tremendous impact
on history." -- Dan Quayle
Associated Press dispatch
from Nov. 16, 1988: "At a
business breakfast Tuesday,
Kerry responded to a question
about the vice president-elect's
qualifications by saying: 'The
Secret Service is under orders
that if Bush is shot, to shoot
Quayle,'' The Boston Herald
reported." -- repeated here.
Stupid? Don't Vote
P. C. (Political Correctness)
Stuff --& how to tweak the noses of the T.P.
When asked why
he doesn’t believe in astrology the logician Raymond Smullyan responds, "I'm a Gemini, and Geminis never believe in astrology.”
"Nihil curo de ista tua stulta
is "I'm not
interested in your dopey religious cult."
Find more handy Latin phrases here.
Twain said... "Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits."
life forms that can neither run nor hide."-- Anon.
"The Washington Post says that torture is illegal
and immoral. Alexander Woollcott says that anything good in
life is either illegal, immoral or fattening. Now, if we can
just figure out a way to make torture fattening, torture will be a
good thing." -- John
"Not only is extremism in the defense of
liberty no vice, under certain circumstances it may be tax
deductible!" -- J.A.King,
"I dislike platitudes, and most other species
of Australian wildlife." -- John Alejandro King
"When the only tool you have is a hammer,
every problem looks like your thumb." -- Mr.
2 postings in the Atlanta
Journal-Constitution's Vent 12-7-2004:
"My boyfriend gave me a mood ring. When I'm in a good mood, it makes
a green color. When I'm in a bad mood, it makes a red mark on his
forehead." and "The best thing about dating a homeless person
is that at the end of the date, you can drop them off anywhere." "If you love something, let it go. If it comes
back, it was probably a yo-yo." -- Ron Leming ''Halloween 8 came
out. I thought it was the best Halloween ever. It
made Halloween 7 look like Halloween 5!'' --
Andy Breckman "Time and time again, gazing
into the innocent, trusting photoelectric receptors of a tiny, newly
developed cybernetic construct, I am reminded of a fundamental
truth: I believe the robots are our future, and we must teach them
well and let them lead the way."
-- Helen Virginia Leidermeye, the
Onion, June 10, 1999
"Incidentally, it's our understanding that the word robot is
considered offensive. The politically correct term is
-- James Taranto, Opinion
Journal, Friday, March 21, 2003
"Like Theodore Roosevelt, I oppose 'hyphenated
Americanism.' Which I guess makes me an
anti-hyphenated-Americanism-American." -- John Alejandro
"Hey, Laser-Lips! Yore mama was a snow blower!"- Johnny 5, just
before blowing away the bad-guy robot in "Short Circuit"
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a
bar. The bartender asks, "Is this some kind of a joke?"
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. Suddenly
one shreiks frantically to the other, "I've lost my electron!" The
other says, "Are you sure?" The first says, "Yes! I'm positive!"
Either you're part of the solution, or you're part
of the precipitate.
"Nature abhors a moron." --
H. L. Mencken
“Life is tough. It’s even tougher if
you’re stupid.” – John Wayne
"Why don't you ever hear about gruntled
employees?" -- Vic Irish
"If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?" --
"If you take an Oriental person and spin him around
several times, does he become disoriented?" -- Robert
"Indeed, would he even become occident-prone?" -- Rick Gaber "Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions." --
"I know statistically if you don't get married,
you're less likely to get divorced." -- Craig Ferguson
"If your parents didn't have children, chances are
you won't either." -- James Taranto
"Having children is like getting a bowling alley
installed in your brain." -- Martin Mull
which is to say, ... men specifically educated to discover legal
excuses for dishonest, dishonorable and anti-social acts." -- H. L.
Selection, pp. 180-82
"An economist is someone who wonders if something
that works in practice will work in theory." -- Muir Redwoods
(from "a revised Constitution for our times"):
2: The House of Representatives shall be composed of persons who own
at least two dark suits and have not been indicted recently." – Dave
"The hardest job in Washington these days is
commissioner of senatorial parking. He's got to allot space for 99
cars and a broomstick" -- Michael Barone, editor of U.S News after
Hillary was elected to the Senate
"Roadkill: It's not just for dinner anymore.
in some wood chips, chicken waste and dirt, and automobile-crushed
critters can be composted into fertilizer or topsoil. It is about to
be done in West Virginia's Eastern Panhandle." -- Department of the
Management Bulletin, March 1996
From the Department of Redundancy Department: "Non-essential
"As a result of the huge snowstorm, a bulletin was put out
in Washington for all non-essential Federal employees to stay
home. (Pause) If they're non-essential, what the hell are they
doing there in the first place??!!" -- Jay Leno on
The Tonight Show January 25, 2000
"I've set my own rules to live by. The first one is: 'Never
believe ANYthing the government says.' " -- George Carlin
"It's too bad that
the only people who know how to run the country are too busy
driving cabs and cutting hair." -- George Burns
“Hyper-hyperbole. It’s massive!”-- article title in the UK
newspaper The Observer, Feb. 27, 2000, criticizing news
media which use exaggeration and even hysteria. “It’s apocalypse
now as world boils over.”-- headline in the same newspaper, same
day. -- from THIS source
Susan B. Anthony,
Reaching for sanctity,
Pleaded for women to
Be more than cooks.
Half the electorate
Votes for a candidate
By how he looks.
"The female figure is the greatest known evidence
that there might be a God...but the female psyche is an indication
that this God has a very sick sense of humor." -- John
"If a man speaks in the forest and there is
no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?" -- Vic Irish
you tell the difference between liberals, conservatives, and
southerners? Groucho "We began in 1994 by bringing health
security to every American. Our universal health care program
brought equity and access to all. While the overall program is
a little more expensive than the $2 trillion dollars we estimated, I
[am] pleased to announce that costs are dropping somewhat this year,
due to a drastic increase in the number of people who died while
waiting to see a doctor. Nevertheless, we brought you health
security [*Congress applauds*]." -- from the chapter "Every
American's Right" in Michael Graham's book, Clinton and Me
"Trent Lott achieved the anatomical triumph
of shoving his foot in his mouth while his head was already in an
unlit nether region. ... But if you tell me that the concept of
federalism is racist, I will say you're too dumb to be a
spell-checker at an M&M factory." -- Jonah
"According to one study, as far back as 1969,
black males who grew up in homes where there were magazines, books
and library cards had incomes identical to whites from similar homes
and education. The obvious conclusion is whites discriminate against
blacks from homes without magazines, books and library cards. How
they do it is a mystery to me. I haven't seen any white people--at
least not that many--peeking into the windows of black houses to see
who had books, magazines and library cards." -- Walter
Williams in MORE
MEANS LESS GOVERNMENT
"When questioning people who live in
caves, government officials have to go pretty far just to deprive
them of the comforts of home." -- Ann Coulter, HERE
"A moral compass needle needs a butt
end. Whatever direction France is pointing -- toward
collaboration with Nazis, accommodation with communists,
existentialism, Jerry Lewis, or UN resolution veto -- we can go the
other way with a quiet conscience." -- P.J. O'Rourke
UP, API and Rioters reported today that the French
government announced it has raised its terror alert level from "Run"
to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and
"Collaborate." The raise was precipitated by the recent fire which
destroyed one of France's white flag factories, thus disabling their
"Going to war without France is like going deer
hunting without your accordion." -- Donald Rumsfeld and Jed Babbin
"I'd rather have a German division in front of me than a French
division behind me." -- Gen. George S. Patton
"But I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, Than have to have a
frontal lobotomy." -- Randy Hanzlick, M.D. "I think that this situation absolutely requires a
really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody's part."--Eric
"Otter" Stratton (Tim Matheson), "Animal House," 1978
"Sometimes I think you have to march right in and
demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or
who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the
door." -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
"Did you ever notice a lot of
the people who are against guns are people who oughta be shot?" --
"Study: Consumer-Confidence Data
Useless"-- headline, Associated Press, Feb. 20, 2005
"Consumer Confidence Slips in February"-- headline, Associated
Press, Feb. 22, 2005
Chicagoan: "Does dis bus go to da
Driver: "No, it goes 'beep, beep'."
Chicagoan: "Crosstown buses run all night?"
Driver: "Doo dah, doo dah..."
An Arkansas State Trooper pulls over a pickup on
and says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?"
and the driver replies "Bout wut?"
Don'tpass any more laws, for crying out loud!. If
you have to keep civil servants, cops or other cerebrally-
challenged, legality-aware, morality-ignorant order-followers busy,
give them THIS or better yet, THIS,
and leave the rest of us the hell alone. Thank you. ("There
oughta be a law"-- the cry of the short-sighted,
As Civil Servants Say, "Illiterate? Write
you love peace & quiet!
panda walks into a café. He orders a sandwich, eats it,
then pulls out a gun and blasts two shots into the ceiling.
asks the confused waiter, as the panda strolls toward the
exit. The panda whips out a badly punctuated wildlife
manual and tosses it over his shoulder.
a panda,” he says, at the door. “Look it up.”
waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an
IF ANY OF THESE PAGES MAKE YOU LAUGH, DON'T TELL THEIR WEBMASTERS; . . . (IT ONLY ENCOURAGES THEM)
. . . .
A host is a host from
coast to coast But no one will talk to
a host that's close Unless the host that
isn't close Is busy, hung, or dead.
If a packet hits a pocket on a
socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a
very last resort,
and the access of the memory makes
your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has
an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item
followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts
your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted cause
the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and
your system's gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the
table at your house
says the network is connected to
the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to
that's repeatedly rejected by the
printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted
by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as
wavy as a souse,
then you may as well reboot and go
out with a bang
'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the
sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's
getting sloppy in the disk
and the macro code instructions
cause unnecessary risk,
then you'll have to flash the
memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn the sucker off and be
sure to tell your Mom!
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
The Philosophers' Drinking Song (from Monty Python's Flying Circus) -- Composer: Eric Idle, Author: Eric
Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
Who was very rarely stable.
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
Who could think you under the table.
David Hume could out-consume
Schopenhauer and Hegel,
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
Who was just as schloshed as Schlegel.
There's nothing Nietzche couldn't teach ya
'Bout the raising of the wrist.
Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed.
John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.
Plato, they say, could stick it away--
Half a crate of whiskey every day.
Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle.
Hobbes was fond of his dram,
And René Descartes was a drunken fart.
'I drink, therefore I am.'
Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed,
A lovely little thinker,
But a bugger when he's pissed.
(And none have anything on Ayn Rand)
"Do not anthropomorphize computers.
They hate that." -- Junior